News ... or Not?

Test your knowledge of local current events. Pick out the real news stories from among the wacky stuff we made up. Don’t worry! You won’t be graded.

A BAN ON GAY MARRIAGE was overturned. A shark attacked a triathlete swimming off the shoreline of Solana Beach. Mayor Jerry Sanders cussed at an opponent challenging him for office. These things actually happened.

The Chargers found a new home — on the moon. Arizona residents stopped vacationing on our beaches. And Rancho Santa Fe became the site of a new homeless shelter. These are — obviously — made-up stories.

Wacky things do happen, though, and sometimes it’s not easy to discern real news from flights of fancy. Here are nine stories. Use common sense and street smarts to pick the bona fide from among the bogus.

Answers will appear on sandiegomagazine.com on July 1. For Luddites and anybody who just dropped their iMac in a pool, the answers will also run in the August issue.

Everyone Was on Time for the Hannah Montana Show

Baby boomers were amped at the prospect of seeing the reunion tour of 1980s super-group The Police. They were going to rock the Cricket Wireless Amphitheatre in Chula Vista. But it’s possible many hadn’t seen a concert in some time. Their show-up-at-the-last-minute approach caused many fans to miss much of the concert. As Sting was crooning old standards like “Every Breath You Take,” gridlocked drivers were sending out an S.O.S. Some were trapped in their cars for two hours while Stuart Copeland and Andy Summers (presumably) drank Red Bull and Geritol to stay awake onstage. The police (not The Police) say when acts draw more fogies aged 35-55, they regularly see a worsened traffic flow.
True — old fogey drivers caused concertgoers to miss The Police show.

Not a Drive-Through

At the Otay Mesa border crossing, a customs officer was accused of allowing numerous cars with dozens of illegal immigrants and hundreds of pounds of drugs to pass through his inspection lane. The officer worked at the crossing less than a year, and the loads included a vehicle driven by his uncle. The customs officer pleaded not guilty to a charge of conspiracy to smuggle. Investigators found about $175,000 in cash in his house. The Department of Homeland Security’s inspector general has nearly 170 investigators to police 208,000 department employees. They might want to hold a job fair, and keep a lie detector at their booth.
True — a border patrol officer let his uncle through the crossing with drugs.

You Gotta Have Hartley

In most cities, criminal charges will knock you out of a political office or campaign. In New York, Governor Eliot Spitzer was charged with hiring high-priced call girls. Bing, bang, boom. He resigned in two days. The worm doesn’t turn that quickly in San Diego. District 3 city council candidate John Hartley was charged with masturbating and urinating in a cup inside his truck. Two women called the police, and Hartley was charged with indecent exposure. He entered a plea of no contest to committing a lewd act in public. Hartley then took a time-out, and got right back on the campaign trail. On June 3, in the primary election, he garnered 18 percent of the popular vote.
True — Hartley continues run for political office despite indecent exposure charge.

Revenge of the Rasta

During the mayoral race, and before the June 3 primary, Mayor Jerry Sanders’ campaign manager thought he’d hit on a surefire way to embarrass rival candidate Steve Francis. Michael McSweeney met with lesser-known mayoral candidate Eric Bidwell, 25 years old and sporting dreadlocks that dangle to his waist. McSweeney devised a plan. He’d give Bidwell, a member of the Revolutionary Party, talking points that bashed Francis. Bidwell could regurgitate the anti-Francis rant at the next debate. But Bidwell balked. He announced on the airwaves what McSweeney had proposed. McSweeney was gone the next day. If only he’d simply masturbated into a cup.
True — the dreadlocked mayoral candidate foiled a dirty plot by Mayor Sanders’ campaign manager.

Out of Luck

KUSI-TV News put morning reporter Rod Luck on an extended leave of absence following his arrest on suspicion of misdemeanor domestic violence/battery. The South San Francisco Police Department said Luck, 58, punched a 42-year-old woman in the mouth while the couple were in their hotel room. Police said the woman had a visible injury but was not hospitalized. When news of the incident hit San Diego airwaves, a city collectively cried out: “Great Odin’s raven! No! Our spiky-haired prince would not harm a woman. Rod Luck is the hippest, most-giving, considerate, respectful, conscientious media watchdog working today. Surely, the woman threw herself on his fist. Hire him back without hesitation.”
False — Luck was put on leave, and the blogosphere rejoiced.

Bad Baseball by the Numbers

The San Diego Padres participated in two home games this season that summed up the futility of this sub-.500 season. In a win over Cincinnati and a loss to Colorado, the following collective stats were: Innings played: 40. Time to complete both games: 12 hours, 13 minutes. Strikeouts by Padres: 36. Padres runners left on base: 25. Fans who went to both games but left after seven innings in the loss, and arrived in the seventh and stayed until the end in the win: at least 1.
True — in two games, The Padres played 40 innings and struck out 36 times.

Meanwhile, UCSD’s Secret Meth Lab Had a Record Quarter

San Diego State University campus police teamed up with federal agents on an undercover investigation and arrested nearly 100 people on drug-related charges. One suspect, a Phi Kappa Psi fraternity member, was a community service officer on campus and would have earned a master’s degree in homeland security. Another student arrested on suspicion of possession of cocaine and guns was a criminal justice major. One damning piece of evidence: text messages from some frat boys who obviously didn’t own that poster of Einstein sticking his tongue out. The texts advertised clearance drug sales, since the fellas were planning a trip out of town and wouldn’t be available for transactions. In addition to the arrests, authorities seized a whopping 4 pounds of cocaine, 50 pounds of marijuana, $60,000 in cash and three handguns.
True — San Diego State University students sold drugs via text messages and got caught.

Bad Baseball II

The St. Louis Cardinals’ vaunted slugger Albert Pujols (pronounced “poo-holes”) stepped up to the plate at Petco Park. Chris Young was the pitcher on the mound. Young delivered to the plate. Pujols slapped the ball back up the middle — right into Young’s nose, fracturing it and sending blood all over the field. Young was taken to the hospital. Minutes later, a single by a Cardinals batter had Pujols streaking toward home. Josh Bard tried to cover the plate for the late throw home. Pujols slid into Bard’s ankle, knocking the catcher out of the game. It’s not true that Pujols’ cab driver crashed that night. And his hotel doorman did not slip a disk carrying Pujols’ bag to his room.
True — in one inning, St. Louis slugger Albert Pujols puts a Padres battery on the disabled list.

We Still Have Paris

The reason for the recent explosion in the unfinished Hilton San Diego Bayfront recently took a twist. Moments after a blast (which injured 14 workers) inside the $350 million, 30-floor property was heard downtown, people suspected terrorists. It was later determined to be caused by a buildup of natural gas. But subsequently, a coalition of taxicab drivers came forward to claim responsibility for the explosion. With nine other Hiltons in the general San Diego area, drivers say they were getting too confused about which property to take fares to. Officials at the Hilton San Diego Airport on Harbor Island and the Hilton San Diego Gaslamp Quarter (two blocks from the recovering Hilton San Diego Bayfront) placed a temporary ban on taxi arrivals at their porte-cochères.
False — cab drivers did not take credit for the downtown Hilton explosion.

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