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Etiquette Lady

Elaine Swann tackles tough wedding questions

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If you’re getting married, you know that tricky situations arise—situations where even the smallest perceived slight could impact relationships with family and friends for years to come. This is why uncertainty concerning who to invite (and not invite) to the wedding, who to include in the engagement party, the proper way to send thank-you notes and similar sticky social questions have perplexed brides and grooms for ages.

That’s where Elaine Swann comes in. Swann, dubbed “The Etiquette Lady,” knows the answers to these and other pressing wedding-etiquette questions. This modern-day Miss Manners advises organizations and individuals on how to develop and improve their social and etiquette skills. Swann is a regular guest on NBC 7/39’s News in the Morning and also hosts The Elaine! Show, a one-hour talk-radio program on KCEO AM 1000.

Swann notes that many wedding-related issues can be resolved through consideration and common sense. “Whenever you’re in a social quandary, think about three things: How can I be respectful, honest and considerate of the other person?” she says. “This usually will give you the answer.”

And, for the inevitable sticky situation that will arise on the day of the big event? “There should be a designated ‘troubleshooter’ at the wedding—someone who knows both the bride and the groom very well, but isn’t in the wedding party and isn’t part of the immediate family,” says Swann. “This person would act in the bride and groom’s best interests and deal with any situation that may arise that day on a case-by-case basis.”

Can you invite people to the engagement party who aren’t invited to the wedding? You don’t want to invite anyone to the engagement party who’s not invited to the wedding. The engagement party is a prelude to the journey of the wedding. It would be like asking someone to get on an exciting train ride with you and then pushing them off before you get there.

Is it appropriate to invite people to the wedding by e-mail or other technology? No. A wedding is the crème de la crème of lifetime events. For the actual wedding invitation, stick to traditional invitations. Printed invitations need to arrive in the mail and should have all of the traditional elements. Other things can be sent via e-mail [or via a couple’s Web site], such as lodging information for out-of-town guests, a “save the date” message to inform friends or an announcement with a digital photo after the marriage ceremony.

How should gay and lesbian couples announce their engagement to loved ones? In the same manner as any other couple would. [Still,] their life is a bit of a journey when it comes to acceptance. Don’t send it to people who have no idea you are gay. If you want to tell people important to you who don’t know you are gay, you need to break the news first, and then tell them about the ceremony. Even for people who are aware but might not approve, this could be the kind of thing to help them understand your lifestyle. It shows them it’s not a fling, that you are committing your life to this individual and you would like them to be a part of it.

For the couple who already has everything they need, is it appropriate to register for money to be used for a honeymoon or a down payment on a house? This is a sticky one. The rules of etiquette say that the bride and groom should not be asking for money. Putting your registry in the invitation is a no-no. Let your bridal party or parents spread the word that you have everything you need and tell people about your bridal registry, but don’t put it in the invitation. It’s perfectly fine, however, for the bride and groom with everything to name in the invitation a charity they would like their guests to donate to in lieu of a gift, since it’s not benefiting them.

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