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Commitment Ceremonies

When love knows no bounds

Three years ago, Rob Bonner proposed to Eddie Valtierra at Burning Man, an eight-day annual festival of self-expression and creativity held in the Nevada desert. They were in front of Temple of the Stars, a large wooden structure that would be burned as part of the festival’s ritual. Rob brought strawberries and a bottle of champagne, and, as they sat on the ground people-watching, he popped the question. Eddie, of course, said yes. After that, it was all about planning the wedding.

“We knew we wanted to have more of a party than a typical wedding ceremony, and the biggest factor for us was the location,” says Eddie.

The ceremony and reception were held at Botanica in Little Italy, a floral design company with a big showroom that doubles as an event space. An old-fashioned typewriter and a big stack of typing paper served as the guestbook. When it was time to begin the ceremony, Rob and Eddie entered the venue preceded by a fire dancer.

Although the celebration was full of whimsy and creativity, this wasn’t just another fabulous gay party. Rob and Eddie take the idea of a lifetime commitment very seriously. Both are involved in the California marriage equality campaign and would like to legally marry one day to have all the same rights and protections as straight married couples are afforded.

“If we’re going to be fighting for these rights, we should at least have a relationship that coincides with that fight,” Rob explains.

They chose Botanica as their venue because of its location and arty, warehouse feel. Botanica’s designers are also well known for their innovative floral creations.

And how could a venue with rustic iron chandeliers and gigantic loofah balls hanging from the ceiling, a big stuffed bull’s head on one wall and a gazebo in the middle of the room be anything but the perfect space for a funky gay wedding? To make it more comfortable for their guests, Rob and Eddie brought in trendy furniture and cocktail tables, as there was no formal sit-down meal. Instead, drinks and hors d’oeuvres were passed as guests arrived and buffet stations were set up after the ceremony.

“I don’t think there are as many differences [between gay and straight weddings] as people think,” says San Diego-based photographer Suzanne Hansen. “To me love is love.” Hansen shoots approximately one or two gay or lesbian commitment ceremonies per year and has noticed that gay ceremonies tend to be a little more innovative. In her experience, gay or lesbian couples are less likely to default to what’s considered “normal” for weddings, and seem to trust their own style.

Instead of a wedding cake, Rob and Eddie chose dessert sushi—colorful fruit placed on top of sweet rice, in addition to ginger-apple turnovers and a lime-vanilla cream tart topped with exotic fruit.

“Rob and Eddie wanted their guests to have a unique experience,” says Kimberly Gafter, a partner with Cake, a boutique bakery located in Mission Hills.

Gafter estimates that around 75 percent of Cake’s business comes from weddings. The bakery has provided wedding cakes and desserts for about seven commitment ceremonies in the seven years since it opened. Gafter finds that working with gay and lesbian couples is not all that different from dealing with heterosexual couples, although usually with gay couples both partners are equally involved in the decisions.

Weddings, whether gay or straight, require a myriad of those decisions as well as months of planning. Some couples choose to take that on themselves, and others go the wedding planner route. Rob and Eddie worked with Thomas Bui, a San Diego-based wedding and event designer and owner of Thomas Bui Lifestyle. He has coordinated three commitment ceremonies, all for gay male couples. Bui has noticed that, with these couples, both grooms were involved in the planning process and took a very proactive approach. For a straight event, there is often much less participation by the groom and Bui spends much of his time shopping with the bride. The gay guys, however, seem to take that on themselves.

“The nice thing about gay ceremonies is that both men participate in every aspect of the wedding. They meet with all the vendors and make all the decisions as a couple,” Bui says.

Family participation is one area where gay and lesbian nuptials differ to some extent. Rob and Eddie’s families were on board for the most part, but two of Rob’s siblings chose not to attend their ceremony. In fact, many gay weddings take place without the presence or the blessing of close family members. Cindy and Erin DeAngelis-Duffy of University Heights were married on a gorgeous, historically designated estate in Farmington, Connecticut. The home, built in 1832 and owned by Cindy’s aunt, is known as the Barney House and sits on five verdant acres. But Cindy’s father and one of her brothers refused to attend. Erin points out that the rest of both families are very supportive of their relationship. In fact, one of her sisters is also gay and had a commitment ceremony as well.

“Everyone else was very accepting,” Cindy adds. “Even my grandmother, who’s set in her ways, went through the day very joyfully with us. And afterward she said she expected it to be awkward but found it was a beautiful wedding.”

Beautiful is an understatement. With a classic New England autumn as their backdrop, Cindy and Erin created an elegant, magical wedding that would be a memorable experience for any couple, gay or straight. The brides wore black gowns and the guests were requested to wear either black or white. The traditional ceremony was held outdoors in the estate’s formal garden in front of an ornate 19th-century fountain. For the reception, tables and a dance floor were set up poolside under a tent. Guests were serenaded by a string quartet before the ceremony and during dinner.

Both women recall that the unpredictable New England weather was threatening to challenge their plans. It poured for a full week before their ceremony, as well as four days after. But on their wedding day the sun came out, which they took as a good omen.

Even though the couple’s families may accept the relationship, many organized religions won’t allow clergy to officiate at same-sex weddings. That’s where Deb Gordon comes in. Gordon is a San Diego-based, nondenominational clergywoman known professionally as Minister Deb. She holds a master’s degree in theology from Emory University in Atlanta and has been conducting weddings and commitment ceremonies primarily for the gay and lesbian community for five years.

Gordon provides the couple with a workbook that is like a menu. There are several types of ceremonies to choose from, both religious and secular. The workbook gives the couple an idea of how the ceremony will flow and allows them to customize every part of it. She’s found that gay and lesbian couples often choose fairly traditional ceremonies. “Many couples come to me because they’re not affiliated with a church or synagogue. They want to create their own personal ceremonies,” she says.

Gordon married Sue Weir and Kay McElrath at a Hawaiian-themed ceremony at The Thursday Club in Point Loma. Kauai has always been a special place to Sue, and when she and Kay started dating, their first vacation was spent on Hawaii’s Garden Island. The wedding party all wore leis, tropical flower arrangements were placed throughout the venue, luau-style foods like Kula-style pork and tropical salads were served, and the cake was decorated in tropical colors. And of course Kauai was where they spent their honeymoon.

At most straight weddings, it’s expected that the father of the bride will walk his daughter down the aisle. But gay weddings don’t always work that way, so Sue was overwhelmed when her father—whom she describes as a conservative Minnesotan—agreed to escort her to the altar.

“I was never expecting that he’d choose to walk me down the aisle and watch me marry another woman. But he was nothing but hugs and smiles, and he cried as we said our vows. I was shocked that my dad was crying,” she says.

Susan Atkins and Crystal Weathers actually got married twice: once in Massachusetts, where gay marriage is legal, and a second time at the Birch Aquarium in La Jolla.

For gay couples, getting that coveted marriage license requires jumping through a few hoops. Legally recognized gay marriage in Massachusetts is limited to residents, but Susan was determined that she and Crystal would be legally wed at least in one state. So she leased a property in the Berkshires, a bucolic mountainous area in the western part of the state, and got a Massachusetts driver’s license, the preliminary requirement to apply for a marriage license. The ceremony in Massachusetts took place on the beach in Provincetown and the reception was a traditional New England clambake out in the dunes. Although their Massachusetts marriage is not recognized in California, having an actual marriage license means a lot to both women.

“I proposed to Crystal on February 12, 2005, National Freedom to Marry Day,” Susan says. Finally in our lives we had both met somebody we just couldn’t live without. I think when [gay couples] get married or enter a domestic partnership it’s to say that this is a serious, committed relationship. It’s more than just living together.”

Their La Jolla ceremony, with spectacular ocean views as a backdrop, was a fun and whimsical affair with both women wearing brightly colored dresses. The French Gourmet provided a Mad Hatter-style wedding cake decorated with all types of shapes and colors. Crystal arranged the flowers—12 dozen daisies—with the help of Susan’s sisters, and local musician Sue Palmer and her band entertained guests with her signature boogie-woogie and jazz repertoire. Hors d’oeuvres were passed prior to the ceremony, and afterward guests enjoyed a sumptuous buffet dinner.

Whether it’s because of the gay marriage debate or just because gays and lesbians want to declare their love in front of friends and family, there’s been a steady increase in gay and lesbian weddings and commitment ceremonies during the past decade. Cindy Sproul is the owner of Rainbow Wedding Network, a firm that maintains the RainbowWeddingNetwork.com Web site, publishes Rainbow Wedding Network Magazine and produces the Gay & Lesbian Wedding and Family Expo, a trade show geared to the needs of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender communities.

According to Sproul, couples who register on her Web site spend an average of $7.2 million per year with the site’s vendors. She estimates that, in states where civil unions or gay marriage is recognized, couples spend on average about $20,000 for ceremonies. But even in states where any kind of gay marriage or union is banned, couples are still spending an average of $15,000.

In the end, when it comes to planning a wedding, in many ways gay and lesbian couples are just like their straight counterparts. The need to love and be loved is an equal opportunity personality trait, and the longing for “happily ever after” knows no bounds.

Among U.S. states, Massachusetts alone recognizes gay marriage. California, Connecticut, Maine, New Jersey, Vermont, Washington state and the District of Columbia allow either civil unions or domestic partnerships. Oregon and New Hampshire will join the list in January 2008. Hawaii extends certain spousal rights to same-sex couples and cohabiting heterosexual pairs.

Gay and lesbian couples can enter a domestic partnership if they meet certain criteria, some of which include being over 18, living in the same residence and being the same gender. There is a $33 filing fee, with $23 of that amount going toward gay and lesbian domestic abuse prevention programs. For more information and to download the necessary forms, visit the Domestic Partnership Registry page at the California Secretary of State Web site at ss.ca.gov/dpregistry/index.htm.

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